The first time I heard the word “Aspergers” I was listening to a news clip on the radio. The story was about two middle school girls who had fed cake laced with glue, Tabasco sauce and modeling clay to classmates. The students became ill and the girls were charged with 12 counts of aggravated assault and intent to commit murder. The father of one of the girls came forward and said he felt like his daughter’s diagnosis of Aspergers may have played a role in the incident. At the time, I remember thinking that was the most insane thing I had ever heard. This dad was obviously trying to make excuses for his daughter’s behavior.
I then read the following piece of commentary on news program following the story:
Sheila Wagner, the assistant director of Emory University's Autism Center stated that “Children with Asperger’s Syndrome must have IQs that fall within the average to the above average range, so these are children that have a lot of capabilities, but they often have many social difficulties and behavior problems. They do not have the same amount of social skills, she added. They're very immature, often times very socially naive, socially vulnerable to others out there and their influences.” Asked if it could have played a role in the incident, she said, “The connection would be in just not understanding the consequences of an incident like this.”
The girl's charges were reduced and they were sentenced to probation. I wonder if they learned their lesson.
This story resonates within me as I think about the series of unfortunate events occurring in our homestead as of late. Micah’s impulse control is at an all time low. He expects instant gratification with everything. If it does not occur right when he thinks it should then “all hell breaks loose”. Honestly, hell hath no fury like an ASD child who does not get what they want!
A recent example of this was his birthday money. Remember, the money he wanted to spend immediately at the Dollar Tree? We explained to him that he will likely get more money at his party. Then he can put all the money together and get something much better than a dollar store item. But…OH NO! He threw such a fit! Guess what? He racked up $50 at his party. He was able to go to Walmart and get a really cool Star Wars light saber. “See Micah, wasn’t it better to get this cool light saber than some dollar store toy?” “Yeah.” What will happen the next time? He’ll throw the same fit.
Don’t get me wrong. I really am not worried about that type of impulse control. I can brace myself for those moments and weather the storm. I hope his lack of restraint may improve as he ages. What has me losing sleep is the lengths at which he has been going to get what he wants, when he wants it. I fear he is headed down a path that screams INCARCERATION and I don’t know how we are going to stop it.
It all started when he was four years old and we went to Kohl’s Department store to get my husband a pair of pants. We told the boys the reason for our shopping trip before we went into the store and emphasized that we would not be buying them anything. As we ventured towards the men’s section, Micah spotted a t-shirt with a huge monster truck toy attached to the hanger. [Dear marketing department: DO NOT PUT STUPID PLASTIC TOYS ON T-SHIRTS JUST SO MY KID WILL WANT IT] We told him no and continued to head in the direction of men’s pants. That was when our sweet four year old took off. We looked under all the racks of clothing, yelled for him, got store security involved. He was no-where to be found. Rich and Noah went to the car as I frantically continued the child hunt with store security. My panic elevated as did my blood pressure. My phone rang and when I answered it I heard my husband say “He’s out here. He’s at the car and he has the shirt.” So….what you are telling me is that my four year old snatched the shirt, made it past the few lanes of cashiers and ran across the parking lot to our minivan? Yep, that sure is what he did. He was determined that he was going to own that shirt. In case you are curious, he did not succeed.
The stealing has become more sophisticated as he has gotten older and more technologically savvy. This child knows more about computers, hacking and password/code breaking than I ever care to know. A few months ago, he downloaded $75 of Microsoft points on the Xbox. We thought we solved the problem by password protecting the game system. This past weekend I woke up at 4:30am to find him at the computer, my wallet in tow, trying to buy the computer version of Minecraft! [Guess what he was going to get for his birthday present that night? Guess what he didn’t get for his birthday present that night?] My husband got an email that same morning from Paypal notifying him that someone tried to change his Paypal password at 3:39am. This morning I find him in the living room at 6:30am playing the Xbox (which he was grounded from) and later find out that he used my credit card to order Xbox Live. I ask him, “Why would you order Xbox Live when we already have it?” He says, “Because I couldn’t get on our Xbox Live profile (oh yeah…password protected) so I created a new profile and ordered it for that profile.”
I know some of you are thinking I am being overly dramatic (HA, me be dramatic?) and maybe I am. I try to be light hearted about it – joking to others, “My son is either going to make us a lot of money when he grows up or be in a lot of trouble”. But deep within I fear what consequences life may hold for my precious boy. (I don't think the other inmates will find his portrayal of a kitty cat as amusing as we do) Is it really stealing since it is just from his parents? I think so. What happens if we ignore it or make light of it - when will his scope broaden? A lot of praying going on in this head and heart of mine. I know some think that we have not disciplined enough over the years or that we have spoiled him. Maybe these things are true. I have never pretended to be a good parent. If anything I question why God has given me (queen of inconsistency - who flies by the seat of her pants) a child who requires so much structure and consistency.
Children his age may argue or become angry when told “no” or “not right now”. They may retort “that’s not fair”. But eventually they accept what is being told to them and concede. When Micah reacts to these disappointments – his primal, caveman comes out. “Me…want…Me….take. Me….angry…me…punch you in the face.” He then takes matters into his own hands – does whatever it takes to end the struggle, the craving, the impulse. No regard with what happens next. He does not and possibly cannot make the connection between his actions and the consequence of his actions. He is currently on a strict chore schedule to pay back the money he owes us. We have considered taking him to see the Juvenile Court Judge, a tour of the local jail, talking with police. We have considered hiding purses and wallets each night, an alarm on his door, a fingerprint recognition for the computer. I honestly do not know that any of these will make him think twice about stealing the next time.
Ignacio Estrada said “If a child can’t learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn”. I could not agree more with this statement, but I am at a loss of how to get my child to learn this crucial life lesson.
Note: Sheila Wagner was also quoted as saying “the act of one child should not be the image people have of this [Aspergers] syndrome. I would hate to think everyone would think that all individuals with Asperger's are capable of something like this because it's just not true.” I want to stress that I am not generalizing Micah’s behavior or any deviant behavior as a norm of Autism Spectrum Disorder.
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