It has been about six months since we have consistently gone to church. It just got too hard. We went to a wonderful church with wonderful people but it ended up just not being right for us. The church even had a special needs program. I don’t know what it was that caused Micah anxiety but he fought us kicking and screaming every Sunday. When we were able to get in the doors of the church he would refuse to go into the children’s program and then fall asleep during the church service. After several Sundays of begging, pleading, screaming, sweating….just to get the kids dressed and in the car – you know the deal - “WE ARE GOING TO CHURCH AND PRETEND WE ARE A NORMAL FAMILY AND YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT”. It was exhausting. So…we gave up.
The longer we didn’t go, the easier it was to just not go. A friend of mine is on staff at a church in Pennsylvania and they have an online sermon. So, we hooked the Nook up to the tv and started watching every Sunday. (www.lcbcchurch.com/media - check it out!) I got so much out of the sermons but there was something missing. I missed connection and worship with other believers. I knew we had to get back into church…but where? The one thing I really love about LCBC (Lives Changed By Christ) is their premise of “Love God, Love People”. How uncomplicated. “God, I want a church like that for my family.”
We started visiting different churches. I felt like Goldilocks. This one was too traditional. The next - too big. Too snobby. Too many rules - spoke and unspoken. As I was stalking Facebook one day I noticed that a friend was “checked in” at Simple Church. What in the world was Simple Church? Out of all the millions of churches in Rome I had never heard of Simple Church. It was a fairly new church and come to find out – very close to our house. We decided to check it out.
That was a little over a month ago. Simple Church felt like home from the moment we walked through the door. There were no complaints (or sleeping) from Micah – which is a very high compliment. The whole family has been eager to go to church each Sunday – no begging or screaming. When I think about it, I am amazed at what God has done with our family over the last month.
The second week at Simple Church Noah was baptized. He had been baptized as a baby but wanted to be baptized again since he had made a decision to give his life to the Lord. The third week (Mother’s Day), Micah gave his life to Jesus. This was the best Mother’s Day present I could have ever received! The assurance that both of my children would be with me in heaven!
In all honesty, I worried that Micah would never be able to understand the abstract concept of faith. A relationship with someone who he could not see…talking with someone who he could not (audibly) hear talking back to him. It’s hard enough for him to connect with people. In his aggressive meltdowns, he would often curse God and voice his allegiance to the devil. He would sob – questioning why God would make him suffer with eczema and autism. Some of the awful things he would say was said to hurt us. But I think he was really wrestling with God. We would pray with him and he would be distant, non-believing that God truly loved him and wanted a relationship with him. We would tell him that he could push God away and say whatever he wanted in his anger but God would never stop pursuing him.
Mother’s Day Sunday Micah took the communication card out of my hand during the singing. He checked the box “Today I gave my life to the Lord” and he showed me. I told him to put his name down next to it. Then Richard took him over to talk and pray with the pastor. Micah wanted Richard to do the talking for him. Richard told him, “Buddy, this is all you. If you want this you have to be the one to tell him.” Micah said three words that changed his life – “I want Jesus”. It was that simple.
Micah’s struggles have not disappeared but he is more at peace…happier than I have ever seen him. The Holy Spirit can comfort him in a way that Richard and I aren’t able. I am not sure what turned things around for Micah but I sure am thankful for answered prayer. Maybe Micah realized that a relationship with Jesus doesn’t have to be complicated. He asks us to follow him, to love God, and to love people. Not complicated….Simple.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Connections and Consequences
The first time I heard the word “Aspergers” I was listening to a news clip on the radio. The story was about two middle school girls who had fed cake laced with glue, Tabasco sauce and modeling clay to classmates. The students became ill and the girls were charged with 12 counts of aggravated assault and intent to commit murder. The father of one of the girls came forward and said he felt like his daughter’s diagnosis of Aspergers may have played a role in the incident. At the time, I remember thinking that was the most insane thing I had ever heard. This dad was obviously trying to make excuses for his daughter’s behavior.
I then read the following piece of commentary on news program following the story:
Sheila Wagner, the assistant director of Emory University's Autism Center stated that “Children with Asperger’s Syndrome must have IQs that fall within the average to the above average range, so these are children that have a lot of capabilities, but they often have many social difficulties and behavior problems. They do not have the same amount of social skills, she added. They're very immature, often times very socially naive, socially vulnerable to others out there and their influences.” Asked if it could have played a role in the incident, she said, “The connection would be in just not understanding the consequences of an incident like this.”
The girl's charges were reduced and they were sentenced to probation. I wonder if they learned their lesson.
This story resonates within me as I think about the series of unfortunate events occurring in our homestead as of late. Micah’s impulse control is at an all time low. He expects instant gratification with everything. If it does not occur right when he thinks it should then “all hell breaks loose”. Honestly, hell hath no fury like an ASD child who does not get what they want!
A recent example of this was his birthday money. Remember, the money he wanted to spend immediately at the Dollar Tree? We explained to him that he will likely get more money at his party. Then he can put all the money together and get something much better than a dollar store item. But…OH NO! He threw such a fit! Guess what? He racked up $50 at his party. He was able to go to Walmart and get a really cool Star Wars light saber. “See Micah, wasn’t it better to get this cool light saber than some dollar store toy?” “Yeah.” What will happen the next time? He’ll throw the same fit.
Don’t get me wrong. I really am not worried about that type of impulse control. I can brace myself for those moments and weather the storm. I hope his lack of restraint may improve as he ages. What has me losing sleep is the lengths at which he has been going to get what he wants, when he wants it. I fear he is headed down a path that screams INCARCERATION and I don’t know how we are going to stop it.
It all started when he was four years old and we went to Kohl’s Department store to get my husband a pair of pants. We told the boys the reason for our shopping trip before we went into the store and emphasized that we would not be buying them anything. As we ventured towards the men’s section, Micah spotted a t-shirt with a huge monster truck toy attached to the hanger. [Dear marketing department: DO NOT PUT STUPID PLASTIC TOYS ON T-SHIRTS JUST SO MY KID WILL WANT IT] We told him no and continued to head in the direction of men’s pants. That was when our sweet four year old took off. We looked under all the racks of clothing, yelled for him, got store security involved. He was no-where to be found. Rich and Noah went to the car as I frantically continued the child hunt with store security. My panic elevated as did my blood pressure. My phone rang and when I answered it I heard my husband say “He’s out here. He’s at the car and he has the shirt.” So….what you are telling me is that my four year old snatched the shirt, made it past the few lanes of cashiers and ran across the parking lot to our minivan? Yep, that sure is what he did. He was determined that he was going to own that shirt. In case you are curious, he did not succeed.
The stealing has become more sophisticated as he has gotten older and more technologically savvy. This child knows more about computers, hacking and password/code breaking than I ever care to know. A few months ago, he downloaded $75 of Microsoft points on the Xbox. We thought we solved the problem by password protecting the game system. This past weekend I woke up at 4:30am to find him at the computer, my wallet in tow, trying to buy the computer version of Minecraft! [Guess what he was going to get for his birthday present that night? Guess what he didn’t get for his birthday present that night?] My husband got an email that same morning from Paypal notifying him that someone tried to change his Paypal password at 3:39am. This morning I find him in the living room at 6:30am playing the Xbox (which he was grounded from) and later find out that he used my credit card to order Xbox Live. I ask him, “Why would you order Xbox Live when we already have it?” He says, “Because I couldn’t get on our Xbox Live profile (oh yeah…password protected) so I created a new profile and ordered it for that profile.”
I know some of you are thinking I am being overly dramatic (HA, me be dramatic?) and maybe I am. I try to be light hearted about it – joking to others, “My son is either going to make us a lot of money when he grows up or be in a lot of trouble”. But deep within I fear what consequences life may hold for my precious boy. (I don't think the other inmates will find his portrayal of a kitty cat as amusing as we do) Is it really stealing since it is just from his parents? I think so. What happens if we ignore it or make light of it - when will his scope broaden? A lot of praying going on in this head and heart of mine. I know some think that we have not disciplined enough over the years or that we have spoiled him. Maybe these things are true. I have never pretended to be a good parent. If anything I question why God has given me (queen of inconsistency - who flies by the seat of her pants) a child who requires so much structure and consistency.
Children his age may argue or become angry when told “no” or “not right now”. They may retort “that’s not fair”. But eventually they accept what is being told to them and concede. When Micah reacts to these disappointments – his primal, caveman comes out. “Me…want…Me….take. Me….angry…me…punch you in the face.” He then takes matters into his own hands – does whatever it takes to end the struggle, the craving, the impulse. No regard with what happens next. He does not and possibly cannot make the connection between his actions and the consequence of his actions. He is currently on a strict chore schedule to pay back the money he owes us. We have considered taking him to see the Juvenile Court Judge, a tour of the local jail, talking with police. We have considered hiding purses and wallets each night, an alarm on his door, a fingerprint recognition for the computer. I honestly do not know that any of these will make him think twice about stealing the next time.
Ignacio Estrada said “If a child can’t learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn”. I could not agree more with this statement, but I am at a loss of how to get my child to learn this crucial life lesson.
Note: Sheila Wagner was also quoted as saying “the act of one child should not be the image people have of this [Aspergers] syndrome. I would hate to think everyone would think that all individuals with Asperger's are capable of something like this because it's just not true.” I want to stress that I am not generalizing Micah’s behavior or any deviant behavior as a norm of Autism Spectrum Disorder.
I then read the following piece of commentary on news program following the story:
Sheila Wagner, the assistant director of Emory University's Autism Center stated that “Children with Asperger’s Syndrome must have IQs that fall within the average to the above average range, so these are children that have a lot of capabilities, but they often have many social difficulties and behavior problems. They do not have the same amount of social skills, she added. They're very immature, often times very socially naive, socially vulnerable to others out there and their influences.” Asked if it could have played a role in the incident, she said, “The connection would be in just not understanding the consequences of an incident like this.”
The girl's charges were reduced and they were sentenced to probation. I wonder if they learned their lesson.
This story resonates within me as I think about the series of unfortunate events occurring in our homestead as of late. Micah’s impulse control is at an all time low. He expects instant gratification with everything. If it does not occur right when he thinks it should then “all hell breaks loose”. Honestly, hell hath no fury like an ASD child who does not get what they want!
A recent example of this was his birthday money. Remember, the money he wanted to spend immediately at the Dollar Tree? We explained to him that he will likely get more money at his party. Then he can put all the money together and get something much better than a dollar store item. But…OH NO! He threw such a fit! Guess what? He racked up $50 at his party. He was able to go to Walmart and get a really cool Star Wars light saber. “See Micah, wasn’t it better to get this cool light saber than some dollar store toy?” “Yeah.” What will happen the next time? He’ll throw the same fit.
Don’t get me wrong. I really am not worried about that type of impulse control. I can brace myself for those moments and weather the storm. I hope his lack of restraint may improve as he ages. What has me losing sleep is the lengths at which he has been going to get what he wants, when he wants it. I fear he is headed down a path that screams INCARCERATION and I don’t know how we are going to stop it.
It all started when he was four years old and we went to Kohl’s Department store to get my husband a pair of pants. We told the boys the reason for our shopping trip before we went into the store and emphasized that we would not be buying them anything. As we ventured towards the men’s section, Micah spotted a t-shirt with a huge monster truck toy attached to the hanger. [Dear marketing department: DO NOT PUT STUPID PLASTIC TOYS ON T-SHIRTS JUST SO MY KID WILL WANT IT] We told him no and continued to head in the direction of men’s pants. That was when our sweet four year old took off. We looked under all the racks of clothing, yelled for him, got store security involved. He was no-where to be found. Rich and Noah went to the car as I frantically continued the child hunt with store security. My panic elevated as did my blood pressure. My phone rang and when I answered it I heard my husband say “He’s out here. He’s at the car and he has the shirt.” So….what you are telling me is that my four year old snatched the shirt, made it past the few lanes of cashiers and ran across the parking lot to our minivan? Yep, that sure is what he did. He was determined that he was going to own that shirt. In case you are curious, he did not succeed.
The stealing has become more sophisticated as he has gotten older and more technologically savvy. This child knows more about computers, hacking and password/code breaking than I ever care to know. A few months ago, he downloaded $75 of Microsoft points on the Xbox. We thought we solved the problem by password protecting the game system. This past weekend I woke up at 4:30am to find him at the computer, my wallet in tow, trying to buy the computer version of Minecraft! [Guess what he was going to get for his birthday present that night? Guess what he didn’t get for his birthday present that night?] My husband got an email that same morning from Paypal notifying him that someone tried to change his Paypal password at 3:39am. This morning I find him in the living room at 6:30am playing the Xbox (which he was grounded from) and later find out that he used my credit card to order Xbox Live. I ask him, “Why would you order Xbox Live when we already have it?” He says, “Because I couldn’t get on our Xbox Live profile (oh yeah…password protected) so I created a new profile and ordered it for that profile.”
I know some of you are thinking I am being overly dramatic (HA, me be dramatic?) and maybe I am. I try to be light hearted about it – joking to others, “My son is either going to make us a lot of money when he grows up or be in a lot of trouble”. But deep within I fear what consequences life may hold for my precious boy. (I don't think the other inmates will find his portrayal of a kitty cat as amusing as we do) Is it really stealing since it is just from his parents? I think so. What happens if we ignore it or make light of it - when will his scope broaden? A lot of praying going on in this head and heart of mine. I know some think that we have not disciplined enough over the years or that we have spoiled him. Maybe these things are true. I have never pretended to be a good parent. If anything I question why God has given me (queen of inconsistency - who flies by the seat of her pants) a child who requires so much structure and consistency.
Children his age may argue or become angry when told “no” or “not right now”. They may retort “that’s not fair”. But eventually they accept what is being told to them and concede. When Micah reacts to these disappointments – his primal, caveman comes out. “Me…want…Me….take. Me….angry…me…punch you in the face.” He then takes matters into his own hands – does whatever it takes to end the struggle, the craving, the impulse. No regard with what happens next. He does not and possibly cannot make the connection between his actions and the consequence of his actions. He is currently on a strict chore schedule to pay back the money he owes us. We have considered taking him to see the Juvenile Court Judge, a tour of the local jail, talking with police. We have considered hiding purses and wallets each night, an alarm on his door, a fingerprint recognition for the computer. I honestly do not know that any of these will make him think twice about stealing the next time.
Ignacio Estrada said “If a child can’t learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn”. I could not agree more with this statement, but I am at a loss of how to get my child to learn this crucial life lesson.
Note: Sheila Wagner was also quoted as saying “the act of one child should not be the image people have of this [Aspergers] syndrome. I would hate to think everyone would think that all individuals with Asperger's are capable of something like this because it's just not true.” I want to stress that I am not generalizing Micah’s behavior or any deviant behavior as a norm of Autism Spectrum Disorder.
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