An unexpected gift

"They" say that you always take more pictures of your first child than your second.  "They" say that with each additional child the number of individual pictures of subsequent children dwindle.  The problem was that I had zero (0) baby pictures of Noah.  Our computer crashed several years ago and we lost everything.  At least we thought we had.  When Richard was able to restore the computer I made sure to save all of the pictures to a SD card.  At least I thought I had  until I went looking for it.

About a year ago Micah, Noah and I were looking at a photo album filled with Micah's baby pictures.  Noah asked where he was in the pictures and I responded, "you weren't born yet."  When we finished looking at the album Noah asked to look through his album.  I had to tell him that I didn't know where his pictures were.  He burst into tears and told me I didn't love him.  Ouch!  I have been racking my brain since that day, trying to figure out what I did with that SD card.

Today I went on my Snapfish account (which I have not used in a very long time) to start a project.  Once I figured out my old password and logged on I could not believe my eyes!  There in front of me were all of the pictures from our old computer, including and most importantly, Noah's baby pictures!  I guess I uploaded them all instead of saving them to a card.  I spent a couple of hours looking through them, sharing them with Noah - smiling, laughing and remembering.

My memories of their childhood are so fuzzy, especially Noah's.  He often asks me to tell him stories of when he was a baby.  Why can I only remember a few big moments?  Things went by so fast.  I was so depressed and overwhelmed.  I was trying to be a mom, a wife, work a stressful job.  I spent way too much time re-hashing mistakes I had made in the past and worrying about the unknowns of the future.  I have spent many a night demanding my brain to remember!  Hating myself for letting that precious time slip  through my fingers and wishing like hell I could go back and re-live it all. 

Looking at those pictures today, I could not get over how beautiful he was!  (still is)  He was such a rolly polly with the biggest chipmunk cheeks!  In those pictures I can see his personality today - his peaceful soul, his forgiving spirit, his hiliarious sense of humor. 

Today, I was given a gift.  

You take the Good, You Take the Bad

Two weeks ago Micah had an awful weekend.  It was a warzone at our house.  We were all on tip toes, hoping not to step on a land mine.  I have no idea what set him into this tailspin.  Friday night he melted down so badly that I had to physically restrain him.  He clawed at me, tried to bite me several times, called me every name in the book.  He told me that he wanted to rip my heart out.  Rich was able to calm him enough to get him in the bed.  He then scratched his ezcema to the point he was bleeding.  He said he wished he could get the blood out so he could die.  Rich and I tried to comfort him and calm him but whatever was raging inside him needed time to be unleashed.  Around midnight he slept soundly.  I dragged myself to bed, cried and begged God show us how to help our sweet boy.

Saturday morning started with a bang.  By noon he had lost every priviledge - the Xbox, the Nook, the computer.  The only leverage I had left was an afternoon play date with his friend.  It was obvious that he wanted to go and there was no doubt that we needed the break from him.  I just worried about how he would act once he was at their home. 

I know it sounds awful to say that we needed a break from our own son.  I feel guilty for thinking it, saying it, typing it.  But guilt does not make it less true.  Richard and I rarely go out without the children or spend alone time with Noah.  I could not have been more thankful for his invitation to a friend's house. 

Noah was VERY upset that he could not go with Micah to the friend's house.  When we told him that we wanted to spend some alone time with him, he cried and said it was going to be the "worst day ever".  We went to Party City, mattress shopping, bowling and out to dinner at The Olive Garden.  It was so much fun to give Noah some undivided attention.  Life usually revolves around Micah and his needs.  Noah gets the short end of the stick so to be able to hear him say "that was the BEST DAY EVER" at the end of our parent/child date made my heart sing!

Sunday afternoon Micah had another meltdown.  Instead of restraining, Richard suggested we try what is call the Burrito.  We took his large blanket and wrapped him up like a burrito.  It is similar to swaddling a baby.  This actually calmed him pretty quickly.  We laid him in the bed and after a few minutes of flailing around he fell asleep. 

We have been talking with his therapist about different techniques to get him calm.  One suggestion is a weighted vest or blanket.  My mom is looking into making him the blanket.  The pressure provides the sensory input that the body needs.  The blanket works along the same lines as the "squeeze machine" that Temple Grandin designed.  http://www.grandin.com/inc/squeeze.html

Side note: Temple Grandin is a fascinating woman!  To learn more about her - http://www.templegrandin.com/ ; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpkN0JdXRpM (movie trailer)

My cousin, Heather Crandall, sent me the following from a friend of hers who made one of these weighted blankets.

I have been working on a sewing project on and off for the last 3 weeks. I volunteered my lame sewing skills to her and got into something way over my head.


I made a twin size weighted blanket, some of you might know what that is; for children who fall under the Autism Spectrum Disorder sensory issues can be a problem and having weighted things on them helps desensitize.

The blanket is for a young boy with autism and likes pressure on his skin. It is very large, 7 vertical columns by 11 horizontal rows each filled with 1.5 ounces of pellets.

As you can imagine as the blanket was getting filled it was heavier and heavier and my lines were all over the place. I was getting frustrated and all kept thinking about As you can imagine as the blanket was getting filled it was heavier and heavier and my lines were all over the place. I was getting frustrated and all kept thinking about was the frustration this little boy must have. Think about having language in your head that just can't be expressed. Think about being suspended for behaviors he to lack of communication skills and frustration. Think about never going out to dinner because you can't find a baby sitter because no want dot watch your kid. Think about your own family uncomfortable with you visiting because THEY don't have the skills to deal with your hold nor do they care to acquire them. Think about fighting or the same education rights for your child that every other student gets automatically .... I can go on and on. As the blanket get heavier I kept thinking of the sacrifices families of ASD children make. I became more and more determined to finish. It isn't perfect, them lines aren't straight and the boxes aren't even but the finished product will bring joy to one special little boy. (Joann Weil)

I am so thankful for Ms. Weil's insights and for my cousin sharing it with me.  We have not yet found the solution to crazy days like these but we will not stop trying.  These days definitely make me thankful for the good ones.  The days when Micah is able to clearly communicate this feelings, there is a smile on his face and light in his eyes.  I hold onto those days like a life raft, believing that God will have the victory in Micah's life!