Those four words are so difficult to admit. I may not be addicted to drugs or alcohol or gambling or pornography, but I am an addict nonetheless. My addiction is food.
I never equated my love/hate relationship with food with addiction until a few years ago. I climbed my high horse and ranted to my husband about someone we knew who was spending $400 or more a month on alcohol. I could not comprehend it and felt dignified in my judgement. Later that night, as I was balancing the checkbook, hypocrisy punched me right between the eyes. The secrets of my own addiction were being held captive between the lines of that check registry. “Dunkin Donuts, McDonalds, Burger King, Chickfila, Papa John’s...”; the ledger screamed at me in bold black ink. A taunting voice inside whispered, “Go ahead, add it up.” I felt shame rise up inside me as I keyed the numbers into the calculator. 30 days - $440.00.
Like many addicts, I have tried (and failed) to beat my addiction. I have done it all - will power, Atkins, South Beach, Lean Cuisine, Weight Watchers, protein shakes, low fat, high fat, low carb, grapefruit, diet pills...you know the drill. I would do well for awhile, but would inevitably find myself sitting on the couch with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Pfish Food ice cream while I snarled at the The Biggest Loser contestants eating their lean chicken and kale salads. In addition to all of the diets (ahem, lifestyle programs), I threw in some exercise for good measure - a couch potato to 5K training program here and a Zumba-thon there. I would even post my efforts on facebook to convince myself I was a changed woman. But the drum cadence of addiction continued to beat down my self-worth and belief that I could beat this thing for good.
I have been approaching the problem the same way for decades, yet always expecting different results. I can imagine the feeling of walking into a weight watchers and signing up for the 100th time (post relapse) is similar to talking a seat at an AA or NA meeting for the 100th time (post relapse). This time is going to be different. My husband would always tease me because I would often say (post relapse) - THAT’S IT!!!!
I am so sick and tired of feeling like crap all of the time. This addiction is going to kill me if I do not break off my current relationship with food. I need to love food but not love, love it! These were the thoughts in my head and heart. Little did I know that a girls weekend with my college besties would provide the gift of a new approach to recovery. I would have been so skeptical to just hear about it, but to see such amazing change in one of my dearest friends was a game changer. It wasn’t that she had just lost weight - I could visibly see and experience just how much healthier she is now. “I’ll have what she’s having!”
On February 5th, I will begin the fight for my life, again. But I won’t be alone! My husband and I have decided that we are going to do this as a family, my boys included (those of you who know my boys - I heard that laugh). My parents have decided to join us as well. We will be doing the Arbonne 30 days to healthy living program! As a bonus, a friend of mine suggested I blog about our experience. I have been praying that God would give me something to get me writing again so her suggestion was just another gift!
I hope you will join me and my family on this quest for a healthier life. I can promise you one thing. It will be quite entertaining!
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