There's No Crying in Baseball

I am a cry baby. I am. I cry…a lot. I am the girl who cries at weddings and sappy, sad movies. I boo hoo during The Notebook. I cry when my feelings get hurt or when I am overwhelmed with joy. I cry about injustice in the world. I cry when I am missing a friend and also when I see that friend again after a long time. I celebrate victory if I make it through a meeting with my boss without tears. I cry when I am angry. I make it about a block down the road after saying goodbye to my family. I even cry at those stupid Publix and Folgers commercials at the holidays. Damn commercials! Today, I cried at a pee-wee baseball game. I know what you are thinking – “There’s no crying in baseball”. But cry baby over here…cried. The tears came for two reasons. It was Noah’s first baseball game. He looked so cute, yet so grown up in his uniform and batting helmet. I envisioned the years to come that will spent in the bleachers, through rain and cold, cheering his team on to victory. He was so proud of himself and I was so proud for him. Noah always gets the short end of the stick. Our world revolves around Micah and his needs. Noah waits patiently, always in the shadows of his older brother – waiting for his moment to shine. Today was the day! Micah - the other source of my tears. Tears of frustration and embarrassment. Tears of defeat and longing for a different set of circumstances. I picked the boys up from school with only minutes to get Noah to the ball field. (Why make parents get children to a game by 5:00pm? Doesn’t anyone work these days?) Micah begged me to take him home first. I explained that I had to get Noah to the game. I knew he did not want to go. In the back of my mind I knew it was a bad idea to take him. I rationalized – he has been doing so well and it has been so long since he has acted out in public. He could make it through one game. It would mean so much to Noah to have him there, cheering for him. As soon as we made it to the bleachers it began. I am not sure why it took me by surprise. Didn’t I remember the chaos that ensued at the soccer field? The screeching rants. “THIS IS SO STUPID! I WANT TO GO HOME! THIS SUCKS, WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE HERE???” I guess it shocked me because it had been so long since he has had a public meltdown. As I try to process what went wrong tonight I realize the reason there has not been a meltdown recently is because we have not pushed Micah out of his comfort zone. There is peace as long as he feels safe and can remain in his own little world. We have not pushed interaction and participation with other children at church and small group. We have allowed him to retreat to the bedroom to watch Minecraft videos and listen to music instead pushing him to interact with the family. The push into the unknown tonight sent him over the edge. There was screaming, cussing, flying of fists, biting, and clawing. I saw the stares and I heard the whispers. It was quite the show. I calmly said “Stop”. I physically restrained, bobbed and weaved, and removed fingernails from my skin. I reassured him that when daddy arrived we could go sit in the car. I rubbed his back and applied deep pressure. I prayed. I felt completely powerless in the moment. All of the confidence I had built up over the last year, the tough “Autism mom” armor I adorned was destroyed during this battle of wills. The façade gave way to tears. Several months ago my tears would have brought on more rage from Micah. Tonight, my tears were a gateway to his sobbing - and surprisingly, remorse. Remorse! This is HUGE! Score one for team Micah! Micah was able to pull it together and so was I. We enjoyed the game. He cheered for Noah. Noah was up to bat and Micah yelled to him, “You just have to swing when the ball comes toward you.” For the first time Micah was able to show support to his brother. We have a lot more games in our future. I pray that Micah will be able to come out of his world for long enough to return the support that Noah gives him on a daily basis. Hopefully, if there is anymore crying in baseball from this momma they will be tears of pride and joy. Side note: Noah’s team won and we celebrated with ice cream.