Not knowing the answer...

In just a couple of hours I turn 34.  When I was a teenager or even a college student, I envisioned what my life would look like at 34.  The picture in my mind looked totally different from my present day reality.  I was convinced that I would be so grown up, have life all figured out, be put together.  However, as the story of my life turns another page I see myself in a completely different light.  I am far from mature.  I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up.  I am anything but put together.  But slowly and deliberately I am learning that life does not happen as we envisioned.

These past two weeks have been all consuming and exhausting for me.  It is a very long series of events involving my child which I won't go into but watching these events unfold before my eyes and not having the answers is excruciating.  Now, more than ever can I relate to why my mom has spent many sleepless hours hurting for her children.  I have received tons of advice from friends and family and have heard so many differing opinions from professionals that my head is spinning.  I am learning that, in many respects, the professionals are just as clueless as the rest of us. 

I have questioned in the past, "Why isn't there a manual for raising children?"  The answer is that there is a manual and during this time of helplessness I have relied on it for discernment and wisdom.  Some of the instruction that I have received is this:

Romans 8:26-31 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.  And we know that in all things God works for good of those those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.  What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

While I was praying recently for answers God kept saying, "Just wait on me.  Wait on me."  I thought, "Seriously God...I don't have time to wait on you.  I need some answers now!!!"  One of Micah's teachers prayed with me the next day and part of her prayer was this:

Isaiah 40:31 For those who WAIT upon the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Psalm 129; Psalm 139; Psalm 143

2 Timothy 1: 14 Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you - guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in you.

This past week I have a spent three full days observing my son in his classes, trying to gather clues in order to solve this mystery.  In this midst of all the chaos I found myself telling his teacher that I enjoyed my time and that I have been "stress free".  When I analyzed this statement later on that night, I found it ironic.  "Stress free" is not how I would describe our life right now.  But the stress was gone....for once I was making the right decision. 

My priority has been my child instead of everyone else's child.  In that, I am finding all the answers I need. 

So, as I turn 34 I am living life from a different perspective.  I have realized that I don't have to be mature, grown up and put together.  I am a "beautiful mess" (The Shack).  I am exactly where God wants me.  No more being defined by my past, no more anxiety about the future...finding peace with the present.  That is the best present I can give myself - Happy Birthday to me.